16 years ago

It is hard to believe that 16 years ago today I was the proud parent of a son. He weighed in at 2 pounds 10 ounces. He was just beautiful. He was very sick though. His lungs just weren't developed enough. I remember being so angry that just months after Spencer died that the liquid surfactant came out. I realize now that what was meant to be did happen, but I can't help feel pissed off about it. Especially when I see on TV the show "17 kids and counting". There is a part of me that is very jealous of that.

When I went to the doctor that day because I was sure I had lost my mucus plug (having just read about it in the book what to expect...)but really just thinking I was going crazy. I remember my doctor not being there and having to see a different doctor. He took one look between my legs and said he a not so calm voice "don't move you have a bulging sac, you are dilated to a 4 and we are calling an ambulance and transferring you to St. Luke's." I asked what does a bulging sac mean? I had not heard of that, but did know what the dialation meant. He replied, "it means you are going to give birth today."

I really thought he was over reacting. I felt super, the weather outside was beautiful for an October afternoon. There was no way I was going in an ambulance and mainly because my mom would never find St. Luke's off the Plaza. They called her and she came to get me. The doctor's office wouldn't even let me walk down to her car, I had to go in a wheelchair. I do remember that it took her FOREVER to get to the doctor's office from her work at Johnson County Community College. Matter of fact Mike (whose brother Bill brought him) and Sholeh beat us there and had even started pre-registering me.

Many things happened it was a blur. I still remember Spencer kicking the stress monitor so hard they couldn't even leave it on because it annoyed him so much. I always knew I was carrying a boy, but he sure never let anyone see during any of the ultrasounds, even at the hospital. I still feel fairly guilty for allowing the nurse to give me a shot to sleep around 3:30 or so the morning of Oct. 8, 1992. It was right after I went to sleep that I woke up to a wet feeling. I remember paging the nurse and she looked and said "I see little feet". During the c-section I remember being very scared. I will never forget hearing everyone say "it's a boy". There were so many people in the room, but I also will never forget waiting to hear Spencer cry and being so happy when he did. It was a raspy little cry, but a cry.

I made Mike go be with him as he was taken to the neonatal ward and they took out the ugly and hairy cyst on my ovary, which is how the doctor described it. Looking back there were so many obstacles put in front of him that it was hard to believe he made it as far as he did. The ovarian cyst that showed up at 26 weeks along. It had not been there before. Then the actual incomptent cervix that we found out I had. When it looked like they were able to get that under control and he wasn't going to be born (although I wasn't looking forward to being in the hospital for the next at least 10 weeks) he broke the amniotic sac. At that point delivery was inevitable because of infection. Then he actually weighed what they thought would be a viable weight. Little did anyone know how under developed his lungs were at that point. Even though he was around 28 weeks gestation period, his lungs were only about 24 weeks along.

I will never forget when Dr. Schaefer told me he had been passed the wand of being the sickest baby in the neonatal ward. I remember how bad his oxygen stats were, but they always went up when I went to see him or Mike. Then Thursday morning when he was just not showing any form of improvement and had two blood transfusions, I knew he had more than enough. I went down to see him for what would be the very last time and just looked at that little body and could tell from his skin that he wasn't going to be okay. I couldn't put him through anymore poking and probing. I mentally talked to him because the words I was saying couldn't be said out loud. I remember tears just running down my face knowing that I needed to go ahead and let him go. I told him that he could go ahead and give up the fight. As much as I wanted that little boy, I couldn't stand to see him in pain.

It wasn't 10 minutes later that the doctor said he was really failing. Telling them to go ahead and take off the ventilator was the hardest thing I have ever done. They were so caring and brought him to me all dressed in the cute little gown someone had made him. I can still remember him taking that very last breath in my arms. I wanted to die right along with him.

I can say that I decided to swim instead of sink, although it certainly would have been much easier to just die. I would not have the family that I have today had Spencer lived. I know that Mike and I would not be together at this point if Spencer had lived. I know that I am a better parent to these children than I would have been to Spencer. I know that I understand what priorities are in life and try to respect that. I do know that I have grown tremendously since 1992 and this experience. I do know that I miss Spencer almost every day of my life, although it has gotten easier with time. A lot of my dreams died October 9, 1992 along with Spencer. I do know I was able to help many children through the foster care system that I would not have been able to help if Spencer had lived. However, on days like today I really don't give a damn. I just want my son!

Happy 16th Birthday Spencer-I love you!